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The Jacob Gerber Report

The Jacob Gerber Report

An Independently Owned and Operated Newspaper

Vol. 1, Issue 1

Main News

Local Boy Makes Fool of Himself Talking to Ice Cream

Today after lunch, local boy Jacob Gerber stopped as he often does to get a soft-serve ice cream cone from University Dining Services. Furthermore, Gerber also said "Oh, hello!" in a come-hither way to his freshly made cone just as he often does. Today, though, the results were different from the usual.

Instead of simply the inaudible acknowledgement of his ice cream cone, Gerber also got an acknowledgement from an innocent bystander who thought Gerber was talking to her.

Gerber tells the story this way: "It was just really awkward. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I was just trying to be friendly to my ice cream cone."

Asked for comment, eyewitness Ben Keele said, "I don't see why Jacob talks to inanimate objects. They can't talk back, at least as far as I can tell. And if, for example, Mr. Sippy does talk to Jacob, why won't he talk to me? I like Mr. Sippy, too." (Mr. Sippy is Gerber's beloved coffee mug.)

3:30 Just Too Early

By bedtime Sunday evening, junior English major Jacob Gerber was unable to complete the large amount of homework he needed to do for the weekend. In an effort to make sure that he had enough time the next morning to complete the rest of the homework, Gerber set his alarm clock for 3:30 a.m., a time earlier than he had arisen so far this semester. When that early hour came around, though, Gerber got up only long enough to reset his alarm clock back to 4:00 a.m.

Gerber said, "I really wanted to get up that early, but I just couldn't do it. I feel bad about the whole thing, but I still completed everything I needed to get done, so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad."

Asked about how much coffee Gerber consumed in his morning bout of homework, he sheepishly replied: "8 cups," an amount greater than he has consumed in a single morning to this date.

Lone Humanities Major Schools Computer Science Majors in Their Own Program

Jacob Gerber is the only humanities major in his entire Computer Science 155 Java programming class. Earlier this week, Jacob found out that he is also one of only four students in his class to have received an 'A' on the most recent exam with a 96%, the second highest grade in the class.

In a press release, Gerber wrote, "I just want to say, 'Wassup now, ya geeks???'"

Asked if he had finished his computer programming assignment due this morning, Jacob got defensive and retorted, "No, I haven't, but give me a break! Do you know how tough it is to ace computer science exams, critically examine Hamlet, and edit a newspaper? I mean, it's tough!"


Huskers Boomed by Sooners; Packers Pack Away Vikings

By Sports Columnist Jacob Gerber

Well, as we all know, the Huskers were trounced 30-3 by the #2 team in the nation, the Oklahoma Sooners. Of course, I wore my Husker shirt today, carrying on my tradition of wearing a Husker shirt on the Monday after a loss. Still, though, I wasn't too disappointed with our boys in red.

In fact, I was pleased that our blackshirts--although they gave up hundreds of yards and gave Oklahoma a new record for consecutive passes completed--held the Sooners to so few points. Furthermore, we have to remember that we are facing a team feeling jaded because of their disappointing season's end last year, armed with last year's Heisman trophy quarterback. All in all, I think we did well.

In other news, my arbitrarily-picked Green Bay Packers edged a close one out against the Minnesota Vikings with a game-winning field goal in the final seconds of play. I didn't see it, but I read it was a good game, and we won, so I was pleased with our boys in green.

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Jacob, you're not alone. I've talked to inanimate objects before.

Also, 3:30 in the morning is an obscene time to get up--it is simply not plausible. I suggest you explore Plan B: go to bed at a decent time (after 10pm), get up at a decent time (after 6:30am) and drastically cut down on the coffee intake as your drug of choice. One of these days, someone will find you on the floor with Mr. Sippy in one hand, beloved pen in the other, and your lifeless body collapsed on top of "King Lear".

The large amount of my coffee intake this morning was only because I had a large amount of homework that I had to do--there really wasn't a choice about whether or not to do it (it was all really important and all due, except for the computer science homework, for which I have a few days to hand in an assignment late). So, I had to be super-awake this morning. Coffee works well for that.

I am trying to cut down on coffee consumption, but I had unbelievable amounts of homework this weekend. I did social things Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evening, but I spent the rest of my time (all of it) doing some form of homework or another. Perhaps I'll start using half-decaffeinated coffee. I guess we'll see how that works.

Oh, and we're reading King Lear this week. I hope your prediction doesn't come true, because if it does, I don't have much time left. :)

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